Yep — the one true evidence that I am still the same: no boundaries, just going deep in whatever that is welcoming me — work, labour, drama.
Actually, that’s not a fair assessment. The fact that I am still here, well, and able to type these out instead of waiting for 6 months to heal, means that this time, things were different.
You know, the reason I started this blog was my first ever burnout
It was in 2020 — and it was a tough one. For more details on this, you can find in my older blog post here or here.
It felt like the whole world crumbling — in fact, my world did crumble. I couldn’t find a reason to stay at my old job, the one whom I thought to be the love of my life left for another country.
I was overseas, could not find a way home from CoVid, not sure where I would be, geographically and mentally in 1 year.
Things got better, until it stopped
We tend to compare our experiences with others’, as much as we do among our own’s. You and I might think I am in a better place right now, for things to go wrong.
Well babes, it went wrong for ways I would not in my life be able to imagine. Work was tough, sure. But family, the one constant I thought I had under control in my life, turned out to be just equally horrific.
While part of the struggle I’d like to keep to myself, let me tell you how I learnt (and still am learning) from it this time:
1. Just go through the hard times
“To go right through them”. You know — we see many reels on instagram and tiktok these days with all these wisdom. While some of that is rather self-validating, this sentence sticks, and proves its truth to me.
I stuck through.
Back then, I left myself in the cyclone of burnout for so long that when I realized what it truly was, I felt like I had no choice but tapping out.
This time, I didn’t tap out. Was it easier — nah, it was damn difficult.
- There were nights I couldn’t sleep because of anxiety, calling my friends from anywhere that was not in my time zone, for the mess that was going on at work.
- There were mornings I almost gave up going to work. It’s not the monday blues that we once every week go through. It was the deep dark blue of the ocean, that made me so suffocated I felt almost paralyzed.
- There were weekdays that I had to pause amid the work, get outside, and just let myself breath because of how airless it felt inside my office building.
- There were weekends that I were bawling my eyes out while getting shouted at by the people most endearing to me, in my own house. Then continued to hold my grip to just continue with the next day.
I don’t know what got me through this time, because everyday and every next day, I went to work, back home, and let the cycle repeat itself.
It sounds like some form of self-torture, doesn’t it? It did feel close to that for a few seconds, minutes, or even hours. But the one thing that got me through was:
2. Knowing that I can figure it out
I used to say this a lot when I was in my university years:
“I don’t have a religion.
The only person I trust and follow is myself”
It feels less and less true, to me, as the years went by. Maybe it was the way that life happened that I felt out of control:
the pandemic
those whom I loved but didn’t love me back — at least not enough
being in places that valued things I thought I could change to value — then figuring out I couldn’t
Going through what I went through the last month, I finally feel like I got it in me, again. That I could trust and follow my own way of doing things.
This time, though work was hard — extremely so, I did not take it against myself. I did the rational thing to do, sorting things out one by one.
I asked for help, and I shared my experience, with colleagues and people whom I trusted. I was not doing things alone — I was part of a team.
For my own ambition, I met it half-way — a point that made sense to me. For the work I have done so far, I gave it a try. But for it being something I didn’t want when I first joined, I left it some leeway to go in its own will.
This time, family was a variable that I could not expect the answer it was getting to. I chose to prioritize the things that matter: my father’s health, my own peace. I did not react the way I would have 2 years ago, knowing:
Sometimes, winning in an argument does nothing but flattering the ego.
Many times, it’s better to control at least one variables in the myriad of moving things — instead of choosing to run away for the sake of an instant escape.
Every time, when we realize a person doesn’t have our full interest at heart, the best thing we could do is keep that in mind, move on, keep the bridge, and see if that one relationship can at least pay you back in the future.
These are the lessons that I learnt, yet not aware I was able to apply them to my own experience as I go through them these days.
I guess, despite the twists and turns in my journey the last few years, not all are lost.
3. Circling back to what truly matters, the beginning of all things
I could have ended my this article up there. Bear with me, this is a reminder to self:
I never started this job wanting to get high up the fastest possible. That is just an impulse — if you know me, you know how I like things efficient.
While that is good in many cases, it doesn’t always equate happiness. From my time in Singapore, I learned a part of me who could get just as much joy from doing things at its own pace — not mine.
planting trees
listening to the waves as i walk close to the ocean
writing
reading my books
None of these I can just plow my way through — and that gives me peace. Strange, right?
I think what these things do is making me realize: sure, not everything is under my control. But at the same time, just because I feel like the world is falling, doesn’t mean that it is.
After all, everything has its own course. Things can’t be rushed, and at the same time, I can only do so much. As long as I have done it, it’s okay.
Actually, even if I don’t — it is okay. There are days the tides don’t go up as high as it does all the time, but no one is keeping track anyway.
Coming back was a rest stop in my journey exploring this world. I want to find my way to the next thing — it’s probably a good time to finally do that.
I don’t know where it is, or what I will be doing yet.
But I know it’d be good for me:
Being at a place where work is not the only source of your virtue — where 99% celebrate that as much as you do.
Being at a place where creativity is celebrated as much as rationality — or actually, both combined as the most beautiful form of outputs.
Being at a place with the sun, fresh air, nature, that would be amazing.
Now, with that in mind, I will enjoy this part of the journey to the best that I could until it ends. Maybe soon, maybe in a few years.
Making friends and memories while I can :)
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