That’s the thing about Asian culture: the assumption and almost an obligation that you have to be there for your parents when they grow old. I hated this unspoken expectation. I felt imprisoned by it, even.
I felt like all my dreams are held back by the assumption that I will have to stay home for the rest of my life. It’s like if I were to stay, I might as well be dead, because I was 100% sure I would be dead inside.
I even talked about elderly home, and how people in other countries are already doing it. Why does it have to be me taking care of them? I can’t even take care of myself.
I know I sounded like an ungrateful child. Maybe I was. Maybe I really took for granted whatever my parents did for me. “I never asked for any of their sacrifice” — That’s what I would have responded a few years ago.
True, but they could have chosen not to. I realized, for me to stand there, understand how the outside world works and say this — it was thanks to my parents. They sent me abroad, even when knowing I might choose to never return.
They took a chance on me, so maybe I should take a chance on them.
Old people are not that “helpless”
It turned out society was not the only one assuming. I was also making assumptions myself:
“My parents must want me home because they need me”.
That made coming home weigh heavier — like a burden, like a commitment, like a contract that doesn’t have a termination clause.
Thing is, our parents CAN live without us. They are capable and resourceful to find help. We thought about elderly home — pft, they thought about that hundred times already, and many other options.
When I came home two months ago, I tried to help out my dad as much as I could. I told him not to take the motorbike, because it was dangerous. I was worried that he would get a cold any day the weather turned bad.
He found it frustrating, probably as much as I did when my parents were trying to control my life as a teen. My dad snapped at one point:
“I can take care of myself. You know I’m not that old right”
Taking a step back so he could have more space, I realized: it’s true that my dad is still really good at whatever he does, even many times better than me. Anything from doing chores, to planning some alumni events — he took the lead and managed just fine.
Sure, it will get tougher once they get older, but it will never be that tough — not with what I will have, not with what they already have. My parents have more network in this country than I have now. If there’s any emergency, I will be more like a nuisance to be fair.
Okay but if they don’t need our help, then why do our parents need us?
Old age is when your life comes full circle
What our parents want is simply what we wanted from them as a kid: to know that someone is there. Do you remember how clingy you were to your parents as a kid? Probably not. Me neither.
I live with my 3-year-old niece, so that gives me quite a good view on how things are at that age. My niece is a well-mannered little girl. She says “thank you” and “please”. She hangs out with most people: her grandparents, my friends, even strangers that pass by us on the street.
Even then, she always misses her mom and her dad. It’s not just the moment of departures and arrivals that she asks for them. When she and I are having a lot of fun, she would ask: “Where is mom? I want mom. I really miss mom”.
Earlier this year, I told my parents I accepted an offer in Vietnam. When I shared with my mom my anxiety about coming home, she went to my dad straight away: “I think she is changing her mind”.
I still remember that morning when I received a text from him: “My beloved daughter, please come home. I’ve gotten old”. I never heard something so vulnerable from the strongest person I have known in my life.
Last summer, when we were walking to the park, my dad told me to slow down. He said:
“The table has turned now. I used to slow down for your little legs to catch up. Seems like it’s your turn to slow down and wait for me”.
After all these years, they were always there:
- They were there when we cried calling for Mom and Dad as babies
- They were there when we got our little writing awards from school
- They were there outside the extra classes with our favorite snacks
- They were there at the airport seeing us off not knowing if we would return
- They were there at our graduation, finding us in the crowd that didn’t even speak their language
- They were there on the phone telling us we should have listened, but also booked us a flight home so we could be with them even for just a moment.
Maybe they just need to know that we will be there, as much as we needed to know that they will.
I once watched this movie where this guy talked about how everyman his age — late 60s — dreamed about death. Maybe that’s true.
The ending of life is just as scary as the beginning of it.
I want to be there, just so my parents know I’m there — for when things go wrong, as much as when things go right. I want to be there, so that my dad knows I tried, and that I cared, even if life goes on and I ever have to leave again.
As I once said: love is, after all, the peace of mind that someone will always be there.
So maybe, it’s just time for us to return the favor.
Instagram: @lifewithmido | Medium: Mido
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