Yesterday my friends and I talked about the concept of shame. A lot of things we did in the past, we felt pain and disappointment going through. Only in retrospect, we were able to acknowledge the feeling of shame.
Many people learn from observing other people, reading about their experiences, through life, books, movies. I love books and movies. I finished Les Misérables in one day when I was in middle school. I binge-watched all the good movies, series until 4 in the morning at times. Still, most of my learning has come strictly from trial and error.
It’s good because most likely, my personal failures pushed me to integrate these mindset shifts very quickly and firmly. On the other hand, sometimes the hurt makes me question if the growth is worth it. If I had listened to others, maybe none of this would have happened… the hospital visits, the sleepless nights, the dreadful taxi rides, and the healing and recovery.
I was a stubborn child since birth. My mom told me that I would never give in even when I literally lost a game to my older brother at 2 or 3 years old. I was stubborn, but also denying the hard truth. Maybe that’s why I have a hard time letting people go. Those unstable men I dated for 2 or 3 months in the past — I took 4 to 6 months to get over. Those narcissists I hung out with for 1 year, I took 1–2 years of therapy to fully heal from.
By “hurt”, I didn’t mean the fact that they made me feel sad and in pain. Sure it was disappointing at times, but my pride never let me, for once, truly sit through, feel and hold them accountable for this. For if I let them know they hurt me, I’m letting them see myself in vulnerability, and themselves in power. This hurt is more that as time went by and I continued to see things from other people’s perspectives instead of expressing mine, I lost bits and bits of myself and hence, my confidence.
One day, I woke up crying and feeling powerless and as if I was not able, physically and mentally, to continue any of my usual day stuff: working, talking to colleagues, maintaining my social circle, telling my parents that I’m okay and they don’t have to worry. My pride came from my utmost belief in myself, that I am capable and deserve the best of things. That’s how I was raised, and that’s how I had lived my life until, you know, the errors. Knowing this while feeling at the bottom of my confidence level, I knew I had to stop and fix it.
Spoiler alert: after 2 years, I fixed it — not the people, but how they made me feel about myself. Thinking back, had it not been for seeing that juxtaposition of the knowing and feeling, I could not have gotten to where I am today. Shame could only be felt when a person has grown, matured and become comfortable enough to look back without a blindfold. Sometimes, the glitch of the old version of me comes back, but I have been more equipped than ever to deal with it all.
I will be writing about my journey throughout these 3 years everyday in the next 2 months. This centers around my own growth, relationships with family, friends, lovers. It will be fun, honest, and hopefully helpful in some ways to you.
Thanks for reading and see you tomorrow :)
