I mean it. It’s not like I have mastered all the arts and crafts on Earth. In fact, ever since I started this job — day after day I learned that there was something that I could have done better.
If I were to experience this in my early 20s, everyday probably would felt rather taxing.
However, having experienced what I experienced, saw what I saw and most importantly, taking time to reflect on how things happened the way they did, I realized one thing:
Anything can be developed with practice — even the things that seem strangely intuitive at first.
I’m not referring to things like Maths or Literature, which obviously through practice you do get somewhat better. Or maybe you don’t — just like me with Chemistry.
Still, they are things we know that can be developed with time.
On the other hand, things like confidence or assertiveness feels they are innate parts of someone’s personality.
You either have it, or you don’t.
If you are someone retrospective and sensitive to others’ feelings like me, it might easily feel like this at first.
I once spent an hour discussing with my therapist how scared I was of hurting my colleagues’ feelings by giving them feedback.
Sounds ridiculous, I know. But truly, I felt extremely hesitant to hold people accountable for the things they did wrong.
“Maybe it’s not that big of a deal”
“What if they think I’m too much”
“They didn’t mean it, who am I to tell them what they should do”
Well, when you cancel meetings last minute multiple times in a row, you deserve to be told how your action messed up everyone’s schedule.
Despite knowing the reason, it took a 300-dollar session for somebody to tell it multiple times to my face that IT WAS ONLY FAIR TO DO IT for me to start learning how to do it.
That was one year ago. Now, I know being assertive doesn’t always mean hurting people’s feelings. As long as it’s fact-based and respectfully done, I am doing the team and myself a favor.
It’s become part of how I operate, and it’s funny to think how scary it was to do this one year ago.
Confidence is no difference
I don’t have a success story like the previous one yet. But I know I can.
I am not unconfident. In fact, I know I have it in me to become great, at whatever I dedicate myself, time and efforts to.
Thing is, when you first start in a field you barely know anything about, it’s extremely difficult to believe in what you have to say, or contribute.
Sometimes after I say certain things in a meeting, I immediately questioned myself in my mind: “hold on… does it make sense?”
Thing is, it does. I read about the topic, learned and discussed with experts who spent years in the field, and I’m smart.
Even then, I realized how similar this is to when I began many other things in my life:
Entering a competitive school
Learning a new language
Joining my first class in Political Economy or International relations
Back then, the bad stuff was always easier to believe — the self doubts, these questions I still sometimes ask myself.
Only after years of reading about the topic, discussing with people in the field, did it become my second nature.
You might argue that there are people who are so firm in what they say, even when they start off. I would say it’s pretense.
You can fake it until you make it. But it doesn’t negate the fact that true self-confidence only comes with time.
It’s not because you have learnt enough. It’s that you know exactly what you know, and also what you don’t.
Because we are all a little bit impatient, and learning seemed to stop the moment we get that degree, people forget there are still lots of things to learn, and time to learn them.
Starting my new job, I didn’t exactly know where I was heading. It’s a great company. I’m happy being home with my family. I have this blog and podcast going on.
So, what’s next? What is it that I aim to achieve professionally?
It took 5 months, but I think I’ve got the answer. I want that conviction in what I have to say, as a professional. I want to walk into that room, confident in what I know.
It will take practice, the right type of support, and I will get there.
Let’s see where I am in one year, and maybe we’ll have another story to share on this blog.
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