Today is February the 14th, 2024. It’s Valentine’s day.
Today I will write about love.
Ever since I started this blog back in 2022, I don’t think I have ever chosen “love” to write about among the myriad of other topics.
It’s difficult to tell you the exact reason why:
- Maybe because when I started this, I was heart-broken and never was truly ready to talk about it.
- Maybe because to me, love has always been de-prioritized when weighed against career.
- Maybe I was waiting for the moment when I figured out what it is that is actually love.
To be very honest, I don’t know. And truly, I just didn’t see what I had to offer. I don’t consider myself particularly successful in love.
In my career, yeah — somewhat. In healing myself from broken friendship — at this point, almost definitely.
Even in reconciling my relationship with my parents given I used to want to escape home no more than 2 days being back — I’m getting better at it.
Love is the only thing that I don’t think I have an answer to.
But well, today is your lucky day.
- I’m bored of doing nothing and resting at home.
- I also have met most of my good friends the last few days — hence don’t feel the need to bother them just for the sake of having company.
- And I have a crush on somebody, which led me to think about my past relationships quite a bit, and the reasons why I’m not pursuing this one.
So, as I said, I won’t be able to give you an answer on how to find love. I haven’t found it myself.
All I can do is to tell you about my evolutionary perception of love, through the ways I dealt with relationship back in the days, and not too long ago.
1. The skeptic in love
As many of the crushes as I had on people back in high school and college, I never truly believed in love.
They said love is when you think of “them” before “you”. It’s when you are willing to put your partners before you when the time calls for it.
I wasn’t willing. Don’t misunderstand, I liked each and every of my crush A LOT. I was willing to talk about things they liked — which I barely cared about, just to have a conversation with them.
I just didn’t like them to the extent that I would want to give up my own self interest for them.
I still remember the first boyfriend I had. I was 19, 2nd year in university.
He was cute — all that I ever wanted in a boyfriend as a teenager: handsome — half Asian half European, tall, funny, “chill”, knows how to have fun.
To be fair, he was decent guy:
willing to have the chat about who we were to each other after barely a month, receptive when I didn’t like how he was going on a trip with some female friends from high school, helped me move, made me breakfast.
We had a good time.
You maybe wondering: then, how did it end?
Well, I think it ended naturally with long distance — with a tad of my pride being the catalyst. Here are the two incidents to prove this point:
First, I went back home for summer, knowing he will be on exchange in Australia when I came back to Europe.
I didn’t know where this relationship was going. Oh actually, I assumed he probably wouldn’t like to continue it, so I didn’t say anything, assuming it ended.
I know, it’s not even about having poor communication skills, it was ZERO communication on my part. Man kept texting, so at one point I figured: oh maybe we’re still together.
I went along with it.
It was until I was back in Europe, doing all of these ad-hoc calls with him. He was telling me how much fun he was having in his semester abroad.
I don’t remember I how felt back then — probably quite left out. I told him I didn’t want to continue:
“I don’t want to be cheated on, and I think you also don’t want to be cheated on. Let’s end this.”
And contrary to what most people might think, I felt quite calm saying that. I didn’t “invest” anything — neither trust nor my pride — to lose anything.
Thinking back, my pride was the size of a Titanosaur. I didn’t ask if he wanted to continue the relationship because I didn’t want to get a “No”.
I didn’t want to continue our relationship because I didn’t want to see myself one day being told that my boyfriend has cheated on me.
Love was a game I didn’t like losing. In fact, was it truly even love?
2. The protector in love
It took a few years from my first relationship to the point where I felt like I liked someone more than I liked myself.
I met him from work.
I still remember the butterflies I felt when we first caught eyes.
He’s not good-looking, but he is a charming conversationalist. We could talk about books, politics, culture, life, almost anything.
He was vulnerable — the type of man I never met before. He was honest about the insecurities, the trauma, the mess that was part of who he was.
It felt a bit like we were soulmates. We connected on our background and ambitions in life, as much as on our struggles starting our career overseas.
While I feel like I should continue telling you guys how he felt right, I probably should explain why it didn’t work — us two together.
Regardless how much it felt like we were similar in all aspects, at one point, I realized he was much more messed up than I was.
Sure, I was lost and confused in a new city, barely knowing anyone. That year, I ended up making many bad decisions.
However, I never for once lost faith in myself — that I can do great things if I ever put my heart and mind into it.
He, in the opposite, lives in a world much darker and hollow. He doesn’t believe that things would work out: his career, his life, this relationship .
At one point, I was spending 90% of our communication convincing him that he has great potential, that things are not that bad.
It was exhausting, but for once, I realized I was more worried for him than for my own well-being.
It was a scary feeling — realizing you are slowly putting someone before yourself.
This time, I didn’t run away, but I knew the stake was high if I were to stay. If I were to make that bet, I need a commitment.
Is this going to be something serious? Is he ready?
Essentially, is this worth the sacrifice?
So, we had that talk. And he wasn’t. It was unfortunate, and hurt more than I thought it would.
When I was crying without any particularly reason the next morning waking up, I realized maybe for the first time, I was in love.
Fleeting, but it was love — wasn’t it?
One thing I did take away from this relationship was that I can feel things: that I, after all, am not heartless and purely self-interested.
Though you might argue, the “self” was still there. I knew what I were signing up for — if we were to continue.
I knew the terms, read the contract, and decided to not sign it. I loved with rationality.
3. The beggar in love
That sounds fucking pathetic, but it wasn’t wrong.
I feel like anyone should experience — and probably would have experienced — this kind of love at least once in their lifetime.
If you knew me in person, it probably would be hard to imagine me losing myself over somebody. Not for love.
It’s not pretense, my face just doesn’t seem to be the most expressive even at times my inside feels like an emotional whirlwind.
This story will change that.
I just moved to a new country — Singapore — for 2 weeks. I met up with this guy and damn, it just clicked.
Everything was compatible. He was kind, very attentive, sweet, a good listener, and extremely handsome with blonde hair and beautiful blue eyes.
He’s a much softer human-being than I am. That, with this firm sense of maturity, made my heart feel weak.
It was a vulnerable time for me to fall in love, and yet I did.
I had not been able to go home for 2 years amid CoVid. I was burned out from a chaotic year in Hong Kong. I was in a city barely knowing anyone.
Do you know the song “Every second” by Mina Okabe? The lyrics go:
Every second, every day
I spend hoping we never change, love when you
Never wait or hesitate
To tell me what is on your mind, really do
Enjoy your company, I think you would agree
Just where you’d rather be is right here with me
Make my day in every way
Know I’ll be ok when you are around
I did not feel okay, because of all things that were happening. But when I was with him, it felt safe and warm — like home.
It didn’t last long. CoVid was a difficult time. My “home” turned out to be not so stable itself. I don’t blame him.
Pretty people cannot be blamed ;)
Just kidding, it was true — I cannot blame him. He let me know of every single decision early enough.
I entered his life right when the decision was already made: he wanted to move to Europe and find himself.
I know, we only see this in movies and tiktok reels, but it really happened to me.
It wasn’t an excuse either — man really did move to Europe, lived in Spain for a few months, then moved to Denmark to do a new Masters degree.
Sometimes I wonder:
Was it bad timing — that I met him at the time decision was made and yet I feeling so down that I still decided to dive right in?
Or, was it good timing that it happened the way it did — so I for once would feel love without rationality?
Cuz for once, I really couldn’t think straight.
My parents were worried — they just wanted me home and not following a random man to Europe. My dad texted:
“Daughter, keep your head cool when your heart is burning”
I did think about moving with him, though I didn’t have the means to. I didn’t save much back then. Everywhere I go I need visa sponsorship.
And I was still talking to people: my parents, my friends — they knocked some sense into me. Well, they didn’t fully succeed.
I might or might not have visited him in Spain while I was traveling to Europe a few months later.
I don’t regret it, but I also don’t know if it was the best decision.
It felt like love re-ignited, but it also made the pain from the heartbreak linger much longer afterwards.
I wrote this little piece two months after we stopped talking. Part of it says:
“Back then, there was always this urge inside me to tell you that I love you, especially at the end of our calls, when we say goodbye. I was hesitant, and that hesitation made me think maybe it was not love, for love is when those words are so naturally spoken, without holding back.
But now, it has already been 2 months since we both agreed that we can’t keep talking to each other, 1 month since our last spoke, and I still cry when thinking about this. I cried dreaming and seeing in my dream how my place next to you in the photograph replaced by someone more beautiful, more kind, more special, and perhaps more loved by you.”
It hurt for a long time. But it did teach me some things:
- I am capable of love — in fact, a lot of it.
- Love hurts, a lot, when becomes missed opportunities.
For all this, I deserve someone who love me just as much, who is sure of taking the opportunity instead of missing it.
Oh and last but not least, only love when you feel whole. It’s not cliché, it’s just that it’s never good to lose yourself for anybody.
I would like to, for once, be fully me at peace and love with my whole heart, knowing the other person feels the same way about me.
So that’s me, 27, having transformed my own perspective about love from 19 and proud, to 25 and stupidly and deeply in love.
The healing didn’t take up the full 2 years, but it felt warm and comfortable being with yourself alone, not disturbed by the opposite sex.
So, I stayed with just myself a bit longer. I finally feel at peace — enough to share what happened“and maybe be more on the lookout for new connections” — I wrote this before I make this edit.
I don’t think I will actively be on the lookout, still. This time, I want a love that burns slow, deep, and lasts till I die (fingers crossed).
I shall let you know how it goes.
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