I have had many “first” days at work. I did 3 internships, and 2 full-time jobs before starting a new one just 2 days ago.
One might think I am now immune to the anxiety and stress of starting a new job. Well, let me be honest with you, it was the opposite.
It’s the first time I have started a full-time serious long-term engagement at home. Before, I was always thousands of miles away.
And this is how it went, unlike any other times before.
How it was before: Starting a job as an expat
I would wake up, tired from a bad sleep. I then walked to the MRT, sometimes realized I forgot something and rushed back home to take it.
The rest of the day at work is rather simple: onboarding procedures, paperwork, introduction of myself to the team, et cetera.
Of course there might be hiccups here and there. You know, meeting people and adapting. But I would be on auto-pilot to get through much of it.
Then end of day, I take a cab home — exhausted. Order something to eat. Watch Netflix while eating. Call my parents to say everything was ok.
Then go to bed to get some sleep before the next day comes.
How it is now: Starting a job at home
Man, this is the first time I got to do something this “important” with the company of my family.
I couldn’t sleep well, but I ask if I could sleep with my mom. Just so I feel a bit more safe and less alone with all these thoughts.
My mom was going to drive me to my office. It was on the way to hers.
She went to the parking lot first — which is a bit of a walk from our place. I was supposed to walk and catch up with her.
When I was in a rush after spending too much time getting dressed, dad decided to take me on his scooter to meet mom at the parking lot.
Realizing I forgot my laptop, I called my brother to ask him to bring it downstairs. My dad went back home to help bring that to me.
I was eating biscuits and having milk on the passenger seat, while my mom was driving the whole way. She said bye, good luck, and I started my day.
It went well. People were nice. I even had lunch with a new colleague.
At noon, my sister-in-law texted to ask if lunch went ok. I mean, I was particularly paranoid about lunching alone.
I do that all the time, but the idea of doing that in a new environment on the first day seemed too psychologically daunting. For some reasons.
When I went home, the first person who greeted me was my niece. She gave me 3 kisses after hearing that I had a long day.
I don’t think the stress of embarking on a new journey ever changed. It might feel lighter, for something you don’t intend to stick with.
I haven’t changed. I am still someone who thinks a lot — far into the future. It’s good, but can feel like a lot sometimes.
I am still someone who gets forgetful when stressed — the little things: my keys, my umbrella, my laptop, my charger.
I still cannot help but wonder how people might view me as I join the environment they have been for a while.
The only thing that changed
was the environment I was in.
Abroad, I couldn’t allow myself to feel too much. I didn’t have anyone but myself to fall back on. Not physically. Not mentally.
All I could do, working an expat and living in my own flat was to pick myself up and go. Spending too much time on it is not an option.
Coming home from work, I still needed to clean, cook for myself and rest for the next day. No one was going to do that for me.
I could have ranted to my parents, but I know the pain of parents feeling helpless — that they cannot anything when their child is not doing well.
Home, I could finally allow myself to feel however I was feeling. Part of feeling was expressing it.
I feel extremely thankful to be able to have that: not just the ones who love me, but to finally be in the place where I can finally receive their love.
Anxiety is part of us. At least, it has always been part of me, especially since I started working. And it might never cease to be.
The good thing is that:
Instead of constantly denying and letting it seep into my body and weigh down my heart, I could finally allow myself to feel it.
Only then can I learn to cope. And maybe one day, I can be free from it?
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