I just bought a mirror for my room at home

I know — it’s quite a strange achievement to make it a title, isn't it? If you have known me for a while, you would know the commitment issue I have with no other than my family in Vietnam.

Photographed by Long Bui Hoang — Photo taken of myself ;)

When I was in my early 20s, this friend of mine used to say:

“Find yourself someone who loves you as much as Mido loves running away from home”

I was never that extreme, like those kids who would literally just go off — disappearing from their own houses at the age of 15–16 as an act of rebellion. I was always a good kid, but I was planning for a strategic escape that is legitimate, that is sustainable that I wouldn’t have to come back — studying abroad.

I remember looking up boarding school options in the US when I was in secondary school. I contacted them on my own, asking about scholarship options, realizing how it was unaffordable even with scholarships, and patiently waited until I was in high school to plan for the more feasible escape — university.

So when I finally went off to college, I took it as my mission to live my life to the fullest overseas — partying, traveling, even studying. I would take summer courses and extra credits just so I have a reason to not come home so early in the summer. I would find extra classes that start earlier / or some trips to leave home within 1–2 months being home.

I didn’t know why my parents made it such a big deal — picking me up from the airport, insisting that I had dinners with the family and getting angry if I skipped a few (multiple in a row actually) to hang out with friends. They didn’t understand why I couldn’t just simply spend time at home and always had to schedule back to back trips with some groups of friends to some other places in Vietnam.

Thinking back, there were 2 reasons why I did this:

1. I felt like they were such nuisance — always on my ass whenever I hung out with friends in the evening. So strict they were that I had a curfew until I was 23–24 — an age at which my western friends can just fck off for a few days and their parents wouldn’t care.
2. I felt like they would never understand me — the fact that they couldn’t let me enjoy my time with my “friends” and made me do “boring” things like staying at home. I felt like I would be judged for the things I like doing — drinking, making new friends, wearing crop tops (seriously!)

So, it was natural that I became a compulsive liar. Going out with friends would be “dinner at a friend’s house”, sleeping over after party night would be a “overnight trip in Ha Long”. The length I went through to lie was unnecessary and exhausting. That’s why I craved not being home — so that at least I can be truthful, and be myself.

Working overseas, my commitment issue to the concept of “home” went to a different extreme

For one whole year in Singapore, I didn’t purchase any wifi contract and chose to use hotspot to support my working and personal connectivity needs. Ridiculous to think back — that’s for sure, but if anything, it’s truly a reflection of how unsettling my life was: not sure when my next move would be, not sure if I can call a place “home”.

Used to be away from my hometown for 6 years, I was certain that a new land would merely be a change in latitude and longitude, that I would have the ability to build a “home” wherever I come to. Little did I know that with the combination of:

• No existing support system in the new country
• Covid — meaning no access to my existing support system but through phone calls
• A toxic flatmate
• An unfulfilling career full of people with contradictory values to my own belief system
• My 1st time falling in love
• My 2nd time falling in love
• An excess of wealth and vanity and groups of people who cherish both

I was going to go through the 1st burn-out in my life that took longer to heal than it lasted.

It was only then that I reached out to my family — my mom, my dad, my brother. I did it almost as a last resort, as a bet with myself, that if I were to show them how messed up I am, they would find a way to love instead of judging me.

And there I was, receiving all the unconditional love that I thought was conditional for my first 24 years of my life.

My mom saw me crying and cried with me until we both fell asleep one night. My dad called me everyday, texting me “your heart might be on fire, but keep your head cool. I love you” — he never said I love you to me before.

It was strange — even awkward as first. But it was good, warm, and I was glad that I finally opened myself to see and accept that love: I had to fall to know that there were someone there to catch me — my parents. And I am forever thankful for them.

“You have a very happy family” — my friend told me this the other day she came to sleep over at my house.

It was 2 AM and we decided that it would be a hassle for my friend to travel for 1 hour out the suburb of Hanoi to her home. And my dad was waiting to open the door for us downstairs.

He didn’t question me once, like he used to, about where I was and whom I was with. He just smiled and told us to drink the guava juice he made before going to sleep.

This is my second year back at home — in Hanoi, on the 3rd floor of my parents’ home. And it would be a lie to say that not for once this year did I question my decision to go back and stay with my family.

There were moments where we fought — me and my brother, me and my dad. They were big fights, tears, shouting, lifestyle issues as much as money issues. There were moments I scrambled online to find lease takeovers and rental options.

For around 6 months, after I got the promotion I wanted from work, I was constantly wondering “what’s next”, and if the present is still something that is fitted for me. One thing I always told myself coming back to Vietnam was that I needed to rest and heal. And when I was rested and healed, I didn’t know what I was supposed to do.

It’s silly, but here are a few things that put a stop to all this mindless wondering:

1. I went to a music “festival” — where I saw so many people so lost and choosing to join an experience empty and scary to “rebirth” themselves, putting their own well-being at risk for days in a row. While we were lucky enough to get out the 2nd day and deciding to not come back, these guys stay for the whole week — knowing that if anything were to happen to them, nobody might ever find out.
2. I stayed at an airbnb on my own instead of my friend’s house while visiting the South for a wedding. I couldn’t sleep properly for 3 nights in a row because sleeping alone in an empty house scared me — not just ghosts, but also the fact that some robbery might happen at any moment and I would be there alone to defend myself.
3. My dad had a health scare — he was hospitalised for a week. This got me stopping the cold war I was maintaining with him after our fight. I mean, sure, he is not the most liberal man I’ve met in this world, but he’s my dad, and I want to spend as much time with him, happy, content, loving as I can when he’s still well and healthy.
4. My favorite mentor did tell me once: that in this life, always keep your family beside you. There can be certain things that you let overlap to build this relationship with your parents — family gatherings, vacations, dinners; and there are things you can keep separate to maintain your own footings, independence, your sense of self — finances. And that I can do while staying under the same room, enjoying the moments we share little happy moments in our days, letting myself be taken care of, taking care of the ones I care about.

So, here I am, completing my 1st purchase of an actual furniture in my room (in addition to what was already here when I arrived in Hanoi from Singapore). After almost exactly 2 years since I moved back (6th of Feb 2023), I put a rest to the question of what’s next. There might be nowhere new next, there might be somewhere next. I don’t know.

And it’s okay to not know. I will make my room as cozy as possible (it’s already my favorite place in the whole world). I will put up that pink flower mirror once it’s completed and shipped to my house. I will continue to work hard during weekdays, and spend time well rested with my family, going out to meet friends and new people. I will enjoy life as it is in this polluted yet still rather pretty and unique city.

I do hope the government do something about the air quality though ;( but until then, let me remind you and me to both wear masks when we’re in Hanoi. Thanks for reading until here — you have great taste in writing.

Instagram: @lifewithmido | Medium: Mido

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