How can people love me if I don’t love myself? Like seriously, here is how:
First thing first, love yourself. Just kidding, as if it’s that simple, and I’m not the type that tells you to stop being sad when you are sad. But I do know a few things that could help you feel better. Here they are:
1. Ask people to stop commenting negatively on what you are insecure about
I know how it feels like being insecure about some little things about your appearance. Sometimes it is unnoticeable, sometimes it is. And most often, people, especially close friends or even family members — those who feel comfortable being around you, notice and say things that make you sink deeper and deeper into what you already don’t like about yourself.
I used to have barely any eyebrows growing up. I was extremely insecure about it that I kept having this bowl hair cut with bang up until the end of my high school. To be honest, even though no one could see my eyebrows, the hairstyle definitely did not help with my self-confidence. I just knew and felt as if no one would ever feel attracted to me. If they did, I would have thought they were weirdos and got extremely turned off regardless. I wanted to be loved, but did not think that it was possible when I was loved.
My friends would make fun of these things. I was okay with it until I wasn’t. One day I felt so frustrated, thinking: “How can they do this to me? I would never do it to my friends.” And then I realized, exactly, they need to know that it is not okay to say mean things and make fun of someone’s appearance. I told them, and those guys were cooler than I ever thought they would be. They have never mentioned it again in the last 7 years. I count it as a win.
I know people’s opinions about you are not something you can totally turn off. That’s why I want us to start with the crowd that is supposed to support and help us grow — friends and family. These are who we surround ourselves with most of our time. They are the most likely to understand and support us through this journey. And to be frank, even though they love you, they might not be fully aware of the extent of hurt you might feel by just one minor comment. Let them know, fix it, because it’s a quick win: most likely to be successful, and the effect can be immediate.
The easy stuff is done. Now comes the 2nd easiest thing we could do to improve this big fat self-hatred situation:
2. Fix what you don’t like
Okay, hear me out. I don’t mean that you need to do plastic surgery, re-do your whole body, or get botox on a weekly basis. What I mean is: Know the options of what you can do to improve the part you are insecure about, and re-evaluate which one weighs more, the cost (time, efforts, mental stress) needed to make the change happen versus the change itself. Let me use the same example with my brow situation. In college, I experimented with different ways to improve it: putting coconut oil on them, drawing them in different shades and forms (I really did not have any brows, so I was pretty much drawing on a blank canvas guys), and definitely tried the eyebrow gel, Anastasia brow pencils. Anything you saw trending during the years of 2015–2018 — believe me, I tried them all.
Before those years, I did know of eyebrow tattoo, but the only option we got was those super thick, crayon-line eyebrows that look like two big fat black caterpillars are lying above your eyes. I was not okay with the risks associated with that solution. One day, I saw this new post about microblading on my social media page. I looked up information about it, knew the risks, and mitigated them by doing my research to find the most skilled artist in Hanoi. I weighed the kind of result that this can give me: naturally-looking eyebrows (10% risk but mitigated to 7–8% after I did my research) versus the efforts of having to try all other options, the extra money I’m spending to get a good service. I went for it, and that was one of the best investments I have made in myself.
If you can find ways to improve your insecurity that is reasonable and safe, then why not try? The worst thing that could happen is that you look the same — which is a default for not trying. I think this applies a lot to what we can do with our physique. It does not take a full-on workout session everyday to start, it can be as easy as taking the bus to work instead of cabbing, so you can spend 30 minutes walking to and from the bus stop. And if the option is not there yet, wait. The world is changing at an unprecedented rate. People come up with new ideas on a daily basis. Companies launch new products all the time. The right solution might come just when we least expect it to :)
Drumroll please, here is the thing you dread — but the core to how we can start feeling better about ourselves:
3. Practicing self-love
It might sound cliché because it is one of those things you hear but do not know what they mean. So, let me explain to you how I practice self-love.
I believe self-love can come in two forms:
- The physical things you can do to make yourself feel better — try to set a few regular appointments for this: getting a massage done every 2 weeks, having a facial once every few months, taking a stroll around the neighborhood every other day, soaking your feet in a hot tub every Friday after work, painting your nails, researching and buying the skin care and hair care products that make you feel better. Some of these sound luxurious , but there are affordable options most of the time if you look around. You can start with the cheaper activities, and slowly increase the frequency of the fancier ones as you see fit.
- The mental thing you also can start practicing on a daily basis are: meditation, positive self-talk, and journaling. I know this sound like the same advice all these internet coaches give you. I do owe my inspiration and sources of knowledge (though selectively filtering throughout my browsing journey) to them.
I’ll explain more in the second bullet point. What I want to tell you is how I start, and what I find helpful along the way.
First, meditation: I love Headspace — my friend told me about the app, which I did not ever use until I went through my burnout and I was so desperate for a solution. I cannot say it helps with everything all at once, but I find it a good and very available solution: if I want to find some breathing exercise to start my day when I do not want to get out of bed, there’s a 5-breath quick meditation for me. Especially, if I feel very shitty about myself one day — it could be me feeling incompetent at work because I did something wrong,somebody commenting on something that reminded me of how “tired” I was, or just any bad days for no reason, I go to their “Self-Compassion” meditation session. I repeat the mantra while pacing myself through breaths, and I promise you, after a while, things will affect you less. They may still make you feel shitty momentarily, but deep down inside, you will know that you are the best and you will be ok. To elaborate, I’ve gone through the whole course (10 sessions in total) around 5 times. Every time, I see and feel different things by listening to the same instruction and meditating.
Write up cute sticky notes about yourself, and stick them around the house where you can see them the best. I visited Paris last year while going through my burnout — as my first solo trip to learn to do things on my own. I stayed at a friend’s house and was pleasantly surprised to see in her mirrors: rows and rows of colorful sticky notes. They were compliments, kind words, and self-encouraging thoughts so beautiful that I felt encouraged and happy even though they were not even addressed to me. I knew I wanted to do that for myself. Arriving home, I bought sticky notes, colorful pens, and wrote down all the things I want to tell myself as a truly good friend, stuck them on the mirror, on the wall in front of my work desk, anywhere that is highly visible in my house. And I truly encourage you to do the same thing. Here’s a quick tip on how to start: grab any piece of paper that you can write on around you right now. Please think and write down for me (1) This year, I am so proud that … ; (2) I love how I look in …; (3) Everyday when I wake up I want to tell myself that …; and for the last one, please copy what you said after “tell myself that” in point 3, to make it a statement that you can truly read every morning. Try putting this piece of paper somewhere you can see it often in the morning (your make-up desk, your mirror, near the toaster). I promise it will make you smile at least a few times in the coming months.
Lastly, journal. Journaling might sound intimidating — I can write about absolutely everything when I journal, and because of that, what should I even write about? For this specific practice, I want you to think about either of these 2 things: First, how did you feel about your insecurity in the past, and how do you feel about it now, has it changed and how?; Second, is there any part of this insecurity tied to your identity, how, and would that be something you want to truly get rid of? The first question helps me acknowledge your growth, and the second question help you be a bit more accepting of your body.
The friend who came to me for this question — hence this whole blog post itself, told me how she felt about her skin. When answering this question, she realized how long of a journey she had gone through: from high school, feeling looked at by everyone, to now, feeling truly, and fully confident about it when talking people, and only anxious at times when approaching the guys she likes. To me, she has always been beautiful. To her, it finally feels like growth. I was asking myself the second question when it came to my insecurity. It was my nose that made me feel insecure when I was smaller and to an extent, until today. My dad’s side has a bigger nose, they say it means prosperity. To be frank, I did think at one point that if this is really what it means, I’d rather be broke. I was not happy with it, and I was even more insecure growing up around beautiful European girls with beautiful everything. One way or another, thinking back, it is somewhat of a connection between me, my dad, my grandfather, and my niece. It is not perfect, but it is part of my identity. I do not love it once in a while, but I love how it keeps me connected to my loving family.
It has been an extremely long post. I hope this will be something you can refer back to when you feel like you need some help, encouragement, and clues on how to start this whole self-love journey. There are quick wins that could help alleviate the situation immediately, and the core work we need to do on ourselves that will require a bit more time, hence the long 3rd tip. But truly, it is like the 80 in the 80–20 rule. It is something that will have a long-lasting positive impact once you start doing it more consistently — I have smiled more in the last 4 months. Try it, and let me know how you feel.
Love you bestie,
Mido
Instagram: @lifewithmido | Medium: Mido
If you’re interested, you can directly subscribe to my Medium here
For any any questions or content suggestions, please let me know here.
