The other day, my boss told me: “You are a big baby now. You need to decide on what you want. Only then can I help you move it forward”.
My first reaction was defensiveness, thinking “I’m and adult — I’m no longer a baby”.
Now, thinking back, my boss was right.
The three years working and living abroad made me subconsciously turn on my “adult” mode. When things go wrong, I don’t complain.
I deal with things, go through the mess, the pain, knowing that I had nothing and no one to fall back on (this was amid CoVid).
It was really like that. I didn’t have a trusted mentor at work whom I could feel comfortable going to for advice.
They all seemed so different from me —they seemed comfortable with what they have, not wanting or caring too much about fun, advancement.
At home, I was cooking my own meals, sorting my own laundry. I was the one in charge of my own rental contract, any maintenance in the house.
My circle didn’t feel too safe, either. People in big cities. All with their own agenda — those they are willing to push for at any other people’s costs.
Almost 1 year after coming back home, I realized: maybe I am a big baby. And maybe it’s good that I finally feel safe and secured.
I can finally let myself be a baby.
These are a few things that I love about the last 1 year at home:
1. Lying in bed between my mom, my dad and my niece on Saturday nights
My niece would get jealous that I could call my mom and dad (her grandparents) “Mom” and “Dad”, so she started calling them that at one point.
I’m her “big sister”, not her aunt. We bicker, a lot. We also compete every meals so my niece can eat faster.
For moments longer than I was conscious of, I felt like I was still just a baby.
2. Laughing to tears, with my colleagues, almost every other day
Do you remember how it feels like hanging out with your friends from high school? Talking non-sense, joking, gossiping, and in a way, looking out for each other on a day-to-day basis?
That’s how I’ve felt about the people whom I work with.
Of course, there are times when our agendas clash. I’m sure there are moments of jealousy — subconsciously, maybe.
But overall, most of them didn’t mean harm. Not in the way that people make up stories about you to make you look bad in front of others.
Maybe some do, but let’s give them the benefit of the doubt — for now.
Strange enough, I felt like I was finally back at school — with all of these guys. Learning new things together with them, as days go by.
3. Feeling like there’s someone who’s looking out for me, not expecting me to do everything perfectly
I do tend to give off the impression that I have most of my life put together. Truth is, I have bad moments, quite a few of them in fact.
The colleagues who have worked with me long enough say that my emotions are a little bit like a roller coaster.
Some days it’s obvious that I’m shining in joy and confidence. Some days, on the other hand, things fall out of hand — and I cannot help but feeling the frustration, stress and sometimes sadness to the core of my being.
I don’t idealize things — at least I try not to. I know in the real world, people have their own things going on, which don’t always align with your interest.
But once in a long long time, I finally met someone who I felt like will always give a hand if I ever ask.
That’s the boss that inspired the title of this article — “Big baby”.
It feels like, I have that father figure at work — who will check in if I’m okay, but at the same time, will call me out if I’m ever too deep in my own thoughts and bullshit self-doubt.
It’s good, you know.
Maybe after all these havocs in my early 20s, I can allow myself to be a little bit childish — happy, vulnerable, and trusting.
Just like when I turned 15.
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