It’s a shitty thing to say, but I gave up caring about my job a long time ago. It doesn’t mean I did the bare minimum to get paid. It’s quite the opposite.
I’m a perfectionist. I deliver. When it’s a job where people don’t really “get” me, I still do, but feeling rather empty and exhausted.
I remember my first full-time job, having so many ideas about the things we could do — essentially, better. I pushed for it to happen, for a long time, just to realize:
Some people just want to do the minimal and get paid. Because of that, they don’t care about “Better”. I understand now, but back then, it was disheartening to see.
If you have read my blog before, you probably know I went through a burnout, at an earlier stage in my career.
It wasn’t about the workload. If anything, it was the lack of support. I was the one pushing for the changes no-one but management wanted.
It was tough being the only person on that boat. My boss was too busy. I was fighting the battle on my own.
I learnt a lot through this stage in my life:
- How to choose which battles to fight.
- How to be unapologetic and holding people accountable.
- And that eventually, no one really knows what they are doing. So we might as well just do it.
These are the good stuffs. But at the same time, I forgot how it feels like to be in a place where you feel understood.
I stopped caring about what people would think of me. Why would I? — they would never get me anyway.
And there I was, at this new job, getting so anxious about how it would go and how people would perceive me
I was annoyed at first. I thought I got so good at managing my self-doubt and anxiety already. I mean, I spent 3 months solely working on myself.
Then I started realized, why would I ever feel like that unless I care?
And I did. Finally, I am at a place where people care about their work just as much as I do. I am not “too much”. I don’t try “too hard”.
I got excited, because they know how to do the things I like to do, but even better. They have been learning from each other all this time. It’s good.
I stopped networking intensively with people at the top in my last company, realizing many of them had an opposite set of values compared to mine.
This one has been a good experience getting the mentorship and coaching I have wanted. Maybe it’s too early to say, but a good start is a good start.
Ranting about it, but truly, my past pushed me to go through this anxiety, accomplishing every single thing I wanted to get
Personally, I think what made it a good start was that: through all these years, I learned to manage my expectations.
My pitfall going into my first job was expecting everything to be a dream:
- The job is intellectually simulating and fun.
- Colleagues are open-minded and great people with great sense of humor.
- Strong management team with a culture of coaching.
- Traveling around the continent championing all the projects I do.
Some parts were true, but the majority was not. It’s life — there is no such things as perfect. I know now, but I didn’t back then.
Now, I know I cannot have everything.
I cannot expect everyone to agree with me if I want to speak up. The only way to not have anyone talk about you is doing nothing.
I have been doing this for too long to not know what I want. And when I know what I want, I will do something about it.
I have expectations, but not for everything.
- As long as I can learn, it’s okay if I don’t know everything.
- As long as I get to a few good people by my side, it’s okay if I encounter the assholes once in a while.
So, I guess that’s the story of how my anxiety came to an end (for now). It was a wild ride, the first few weeks.
But as always, I came out of such situation knowing I always achieved what I wanted to achieve, and even more than that.
Thank you guys for following through this journey of my new start :)
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