I mean, minus the tantrum.
Ever since I got back home for a break, I spent quite some time with my niece. Turns out, this 3-year-old girl has many qualities that I’ve been working on myself. Here are some of them:
1. The ability to disagree
If she doesn’t like something, she says it — but she doesn’t blame: “Grandpa, I don’t like orange. It’s too sour”
I was a people pleaser, and part of me is still like this. Maybe it was because I wanted to fit in, having changed schools so many times as a kid. Maybe part of that is my empathy, feeling the hurt of people so well I never wanted to give them a rejection.
It didn’t do me much good, tho. Not saying no means doing everything that are demanded from you. Not saying no also means saying no to yourself: your ideas, your needs and at times, your values.
2. The ability to be aware of our own feelings
If she feels bad, she speaks up about it: “Grandpa, auntie made me sad”
It sounds weird doesn’t it — how can one not be aware of their own feelings?
Well, the world doesn’t look exactly too pretty right now: war, rising sea levels (Indonesia is literally building its new capital city right now as the old one is sinking), discrimination and hate.
Never before has the idea of unrealistic perfectionism been broadcasted this much. It haunts you till you turns off your phone to go to sleep at 2 AM.
Everyone is perfect, so how dare you feel what you’re feeling if it’s not: love, happiness, satisfaction or gratitude. The easy way out is: going auto-pilot or swamping yourself in distractions: 80-hour work week, drugs, alcohol.
3. The ability to not see love as a vulnerability
If she loves you, she lets you know: “Auntie, I love you lots”
I don’t know what has changed since our parents’ time.
My parents ran away to Saigon after my grandpa disapproved of their relationship. My friend’s father screamed to the world that he loved her mom while his head was bleeding so bad after hitting the wall. My aunt still keeps the letter of her old lover who passed away in Vietnam War.
Kids these days won’t say “I love you” until the other says it first. People lie to get what they want instead of being honest and facing rejection.
Why are we so scared? What is it with our generation that when love is unrequited, it becomes shameful?
4. The ability to accept feelings even when they are not “rational”
After throwing a tantrum, she would say: “I cried because mom told me off. Mom told me off because I was chewing on my toy”.
This is how gaslighting happens: people use their logic to question your feeling. It’s as if: if my feelings don’t make sense to you, I should feel guilty for feeling it.
Moreover, we are human. We feel things — it’s normal. That’s literally the only reason why AI hasn’t taken over yet. They cannot produce work and arts that require emotions and feelings that we have.
Also, what might make sense to you doesn’t have to make sense to me. If you are a workaholic who thinks it’s okay to miss dinner date with your girlfriend, it doesn’t mean she who values bonding time cannot get upset.
Whatever it is that we’re feeling, it’s time to be proud and own it — for it’s part of who we are and the things we value.
5. The ability to speak up about our needs
If she wants something, she would try to flatter you a bit (very obvious and cute) and just say: “Can I watch another episode of this please?”
“Am I being needy?” — I hated feeling and thinking like this in the past. The guys were giving so little that whatever I was wanting felt like an excess.
“I cannot ask for a day off, they will think I’m ungrateful” — I was so used to the corporate lies that asking for rest amid a fever felt like too much.
It felt good to finally tell them it will not work if they can’t meet my needs. It felt powerful to hand in my resignations to the jobs that didn’t align with my values.
So yes, despite my rant just now about this generation, I’m also proud of us for being able to call out the wrong. We know and own whatever that we are struggling with: mental issues, abuse, all that is wrong in the world.
Anything atypical, you name it. We have turned them into movements, humor, stories, and arts.
To sum up
23 years is not short. That’s how long it has been since I was once 3 years old. While I gained some lessons along the way, I lost parts that I want to embrace.
My journey to trace back and fix them has only begun. After all, I don’t mind being a kid once again.
Instagram: @lifewithmido | Medium: Mido
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