Being friend with a narcissist was a horror story that I wish to undo. The damage was not only emotional, but also physical and financial. Let me show you how to spot one, so we can save all those sleep, anxiety and a therapy later.
It’s hard to truly judge a person objectively, so how about we start with something no one knows better than ourselves: our feelings.
1. You feel like an asshole if you didn’t offer to help them
Empaths and narcissists are like moths and fire. One just keeps giving and the other keeps taking. We — those who like to help — dive head straight into the mess, hoping we could lighten up their darkness. While it is self-satisfying to earn some karma points early on, at one point, your energy runs out and you begin questioning:
Why the f*ck am I doing this at my own expense?
You cannot stop, tho, because they never directly ask for help to begin with. What narcissists do is:
Step 1: complain a lot to get your sympathy
Step 2: indirectly mention that somehow you have the capacity or resources to help — yet never mentioning that they need you
Step 3: continue ranting until you feel too guilty to not offer your help.
It’s the worse, because you can only say NO to things that were asked from you, not something that you were manipulated into giving.
2. You always have to defend yourself and your friends
It was like no matter whom I hung out with, this narcissist finds something negative to comment on: how they hang out with too many people, how they don’t hang out with anyone, how they are such a noob, how they are such a party animal.
The last straw was when the narcissist blurted out my birthday surprise secret, just to complain to me how my friend didn’t manage to wire her the money on time. She wanted to go big, but didn’t have enough money so she asked my friends to share. Crazy time, isn’t it.
It’s like:
Even the only day you have god-given rights to be happy, they have to make it about themselves.
Then they make sure to drag your friend down: “just letting you know, not only I don’t care about you, your friend is also sh*t”
To conclude, they show how much they care with excessive gestures: “now that your friend is sh*t, look at how good of a friend I am”.
It makes sense, though, because after all, a narcissist’s goal is to drive you away from all those who love you.
You can never leave, if all you have is them
3. You feel like you’re living in a haze
Because their behaviors are too unpredictable, you always questions: Did it really ever happen? Or was I just imagining things? Their cold wars keep you tip-toeing around them one day, then their excessive love and care sweep you off your feet the next day
Sometimes their demands are too ridiculous, it doesn’t feel like it was real. I remember once, exhausted from a 2-hour commute, I said no to the narcissist’s last-minute dinner invite. The next day, she went radio silent with a text of “nothing is wrong”. Even asking for my own space felt like too much.
When their mood changes are too erratic, you end up questioning your own reality.
4. It can never be their faults, so it must be yours
I lost count of the times the narcissist put the blame on me and others. The funny thing is even then, they have to make it about them.
Once, this girl’s work laptop was transferred to someone else after she left her team. She demanded this guy to give back the laptop after a while — to which he reasonably rejected. He was then blamed to be ungrateful for her “sacrifice”, which in fact was just the company policy.
Another time, a person got a promotion that this girl had been dying to get. Her first reaction was not reflecting on how she might not be a good fit, but that the other girl must have done something shady out of jealousy.
This also happens to me, who was in a somewhat better relationship with her than others. When telling people how I excited I was to have my own flat, the girl took it as an offense: how dare you say in front of my friends that you are happy to not live with me anymore. In reality, I was just dying to have my own space, after 25 years of sharing one.
If you had to go through this, know that it’s a paradoxical combination of self-hatred and self-eccentricity. Narcissists assume people share the same hatred they have for themselves: he doesn’t appreciate me, the girl must be jealous of me, you must hate living with me.
In reality, sometimes it’s not about them: we don’t love, we don’t hate, we don’t think about them.
It takes confidence and self-acceptance for one to admit their faults. To narcissist, to admit their fault is to hate themselves a little bit more.
It has to be someone else’s faults, because if it’s theirs, how they can live with themselves?
5. You always feel like losing, until you leave them
I mean, look at how they make you doubt your reality and guilt-trip your ass. You will always feel like losing when you are with them: losing arguments, losing space and privacy, losing reality, losing confidence, and eventually losing yourself.
Not just figuratively, this applies in the literal sense. My own victories, I could not celebrate when surrounded by narcissists. They wouldn’t even acknowledge any of that, and just bring up the new lows in their life.
How can I celebrate my own wins, when they are still suffering with their losses?
That’s what makes leaving them so hard. I felt like if I do, it would only worsen the self-loathing they carried for so long. The narcissist talked about everyone leaving them … so I stayed, but maybe there was a reason why people all left.
Their darkness will never end, and I was being dragged down lower, and lower as time passed. By staying, I would emerge into their world and end up sabotaging myself. So I left.
For once, I felt like I was winning. The air I breathed felt different: free — of judgement and guilt, of self-doubt and defensiveness, of being held back by someone who never made one step forward.
Some last words
This has been a long piece of advice with personal anecdotes. I want to not only show the signs, but also assure those who are living through such experience: You are not alone. I know it’s difficult, but you will be fine.
Don’t blame yourself for the mistakes — that’s exactly what the narcissists are trying to make you feel. If anything, know that now you know better.
You did your best being the kind and loving person that you are.
Love you lots, and take care :)
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